Faith. Faith. Faith. No, it isn’t a typo. I meant to type it more than once because I have grown to have to be reminded that faith is what I used to lack and still sometimes chip away at when life’s circumstances spring forth. Again, God gives me the flow I need to write and He tends to speak to me through the word delivered by the man of God I sit under. It’s uncanny! I’ve written great stuff prior to ever knowing of this ministry, but now it’s like new life has been breathed into a gift God gave me so long ago.
“Living Hands Free” was the title of the message. I’ve heard a plethora of sermons on having faith, believing in God, let God handle it and so on and so on. I sat there and listened. I sat there and made a mental declaration that from here on out, I’m going to let God do what God does in His time. I sat there and LIED! It was more like, “God, I’ll let you do what you do for a little while, but if things don’t change, I’ll take over from that point. Thanks but no thanks.” How DARE I say that to the only sovereign God! Over and over again, God has shown the power He has, and it’s just an inkling of the power He REALLY has. He saved my and my son’s life from a fiery car crash by sending medical professionals to the scene of the accident who were just passing by (miracle). I used to be afraid to get out my car and go into work because I was afraid I’d have a panic attack. God brought me out of that. I could name other “But God” moments in my life, but this blog post would be extremely long.
There are truly things in our lives that we have no control over, but we will try to the bitter end to take the reins. We get tired and then go to God to say, please take over. The thing is we never HAD to take the reins. God didn’t ask for our assistance, but what He will do is let you do your thing, fail miserably, yet still love you enough to pick it back up for you. True faith is never putting your hands in it, but I’m confessing. I’M A CONTROL FREAK. This blog post is a Control Freak’s Anonymous group. My name is Vyce and I’m a control freak. The group responds, “Hi, Vyce.” Allow me to tell you how much having control of a situation meant to me.
I’m not saying I’m some obnoxious, bossy, mean girl. What I am saying is while I love God and believe in Him, I don’t WAIT for Him. I believe faith is the substance of things hoped for and the evidence of things not seen. I believe we should speak things that be not as though they were. BUT…I may believe it’s true but I don’t trust it when it’s time to live it. Not until the “Living Hands Free” message, did I truly take a long look at myself and where my faith stood.
On May 19, 2006, my daughter, Triniti Lauren, was stillborn. There was nothing I could do…and I mean nothing. Pregnancy is one of those things that you might can control it happening but once the seed is planted, it’s out of your hands. After suffering this devastating loss, I was done. God? Where was God? Where was He when my child was fighting to breathe? I’ll take control of this and make it so I don’t have to have faith to believe I could have a successful pregnancy and delivery. When I developed fibroids, I could have just had them removed and tried again; however, I opted for a hysterectomy because then I knew I’d NEVER have to endure that pain again. You see, I took control of the situation and wasn’t going to allow faith to interfere. In the midst of this tragedy, my fearful and faithless decision, God was creating a path for a very special little boy to come into our lives by way of adoption. My faith was at ground zero and God still saw fit to bless me and show me He had a plan all along.
I haven’t had a steady paycheck since October, 2015. I gave my job a 30-day notice. In the back of my mind, I was thinking,”Ok, God has 30 days. 30 days is enough time.” I was giving GOD a deadline! I was riding home with a dear sister from church and we were discussing this. She said, “And even if He doesn’t come in 30 days, He’s still God.” I agreed but was secretly hoping and praying He would come through in those 30 days. What a testimony of “faith” that would be! Well, 30 days came and went. 60 days came and went. 90 days came and went. 120 days came and went. 150 days have come and gone. I still don’t have a job. A couple things…
- Faith without WORKS is dead. Yea, I believed God would bring me a new job and bless my business financially, but I had no true plan of action. I didn’t know without a
shadow of a doubt what I was called to do.
- We don’t tell God what to do, when to do, how to do. The bible says in Matthew 8:27 “What kind of man is this that even the winds and waves obey him?” Part of the hook in James Hall’s song “God is in Control” is “God can do just what He wants!”
God could have opened up the window of opportunity in those 30 days, but that wouldn’t have strengthened my faith. I would have had my chest out as if God did what I said and met MY deadline. God had a different method. He had to break me to make me live hands free. He provided for us being that we went from a two-income household to one. When I took my hands off it and got to work, the phone rang for 1st and 2nd interviews. People are calling me to do freelance social media and creative multimedia work. Every little bit is God’s doing. I came to understand what my calling and purpose is – I am an educator in all I do. I love to train people and see the lights come on when something I taught them becomes a little more clear. I enjoy making a difference and an impact through my writing and social media. That’s what I’m called to – to educate and enlighten others as well as invoke their imaginations through written word. Had I not taken my hands off, I would have never come to discover this and own it.
I have some other personal situations that only God can handle. Getting in God’s way is only going to delay His work. He continues to work on me and through me because Vyce is the only person I can control. Changing yourself internally will change your external environment. I’m stronger than I ever thought I was because I’m learning one day at a time to live hands free. I titled this blog post “Confessions of a Recovering Control Freak” because it is a daily decision. I like to know that I have things together in the way I want, but God doesn’t work that way. He will shake all you knew to be together in an effort to get you to worship Him, His way and His will. Our flesh wants to cross the T’s and dot the I’s, and God will let you do that. He’s not pushy or invasive, but when your T is an X and that I comes just short of that dot, God will be there to pick up the pieces. I thank Him for covering and loving me through all my hands on living. Faith in God with an assist from me is not faith. I get it. I got it. One day at a time, I’m recovering.